Suicide

In this episode, Wendy shares information and her own personal experience with suicide.

Wendy's novel on psychiatric hospitalizations is out on Amazon! It's called "Involuntary Hold." Check it out~ There is a plot twist you won't see coming!




International Helpline Info

 For those living outside the United States, I finally found some helpful information. The International Association for Suicide Prevention has a directory of crisis centers and helplines for over 50 countries! 

Just got to the internet and type in:

       findahelpline.com/i/iasp

And it will bring you to a drop-down menu where you can input your country and region, and it will give you the information for your location. Granted, it doesn’t cover everywhere, but it’s a start!

** Remember if you, or a loved one, is in emotional crisis... Help is just a phone call away. Simply dial 9-8-8 for the Suicide and Crisis Hotline, or text "HOME" to 741741 to chat with someone via text 24/7 across the United States. **

Please contact us at bipolarforlife@myyahoo.com with any questions, suggestions, or comments.

Transcript

BIPOLAR FOR LIFE

Bipolar for Life
EPISODE THREE: SUICIDE

Tonight, we’re going to be talking about something that’s very personal to everyone who experiences it… Suicide. It’s deeply personal because it has to do with the question of one’s very existence. “To be, or not to be,” that IS the question when it comes to suicide.

There are two types of experiences associated with suicide — those who are consumed by the darkness, and those left behind not understanding “why.” Though the roads leading you to an act of fatal self-harm are many, I believe the black pit of nothingness is experienced by everyone before they make an attempt. We all get to it a different way, but we end up in the same void of self-worth, and tempest of self-loathing before we attempt to take our own lives. 

I can’t speak to what it feels like being the one left wondering why… But I have been in that black pit all too often! 

Let’s discuss some symptoms of suicide, and some risk factors. 

But first, let me say that any and all suicidal behaviors ARE a psychiatric emergency! So, if you or a loved one exhibits any of the following symptoms, please seek immediate help from a healthcare provider, OR dial 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 

The majority of suicides happen when people are in a depressive state. Some symptoms to watch out for are:

1)           Comments, or thoughts, of suicide such as “I wish I wasn’t here,” or “Nothing Matters.” They can begin small but 

become much more dangerous if allowed to continue.

2)           An increase in drug and alcohol use. People often self-medicate to try and feel better, but all it does is exacerbate the negative symptoms they are trying to escape.

3)           Aggressive Behavior. This usually comes out of nowhere for those who live with bipolars. As depression grows, so does the irritation and inability to cope. I know I have a tendency to lash out angrily when I’m in a depressive cycle and overwhelmed. Another reason why I tend to isolate myself when depressed.

4)           Withdrawal from friends, family, and community. Friends and family are basically collateral damage, as you withdraw from life completely during a depressive state.

5)           Dramatic Moods Swings. We’ve all had mood swings depending on how our day goes, but what they mean here are swings that are out of proportion, or over the top. For example, anger will often turn to rage here. Rage is an altogether different animal from anger. Rage is uncontrollable and very frightening in its tremendous power. I’ve pulled the front off a dresser, just trying to get a pair of socks! It’s an uncontrollable surge of raw emotion and power. 

6)           Impulsive or reckless behavior. Taking extreme chances is an excellent way to die, but not have it be your fault… No one can call you a suicide if your car goes over the embankment, right?

7)           Collecting and saving pills or buying a weapon. These are people with a plan and are in need of serious help. If you see this behavior, don’t wait to make the call.

8)           Giving away personal possessions. This is, basically, your last will and testament. Most suicides leave apologies, not wills.

9)           Tying up loose ends, like organizing personal papers or paying off debts. 

10)   Saying goodbye to friends and family. I know that when I was going to kill myself, I would take my best friend out for one last meal together. I never told my friend it was the last supper, but for me it was… or, so I thought. 

As I said earlier, any of these symptoms are cause for great concern, and need to be followed up on. Please don’t assume that someone is ok, if you hear them mutter how pointless life is… Something more dangerous could be lurking!

Among adults, and across all age groups, the prevalence of serious suicidal thoughts was highest among young adults aged 18 to 25 – the diagnostic onset years of bipolar disorder. 

Half of those with mental health disorders actually show signs of the disease by age 14, but it often takes more than 10 years to get treatment – On average it takes 11 years from the start of the symptoms. I know that it took me over a decade to get diagnosed! 

There are actually some risk factors for suicide other than mood disorders. For example,

·      A family history of suicide.

·      Substance Use—drugs can create mental highs & lows that worsen suicidal thoughts.

·      Intoxication – The CDC reports that around 1 in 5 people who die of suicide had alcohol in their system at the time of death.

·      Access to firearms.

·      A chronic or serious illness.

·      A history of trauma or abuse.

·      Prolonged stress, OR

·      A recent tragedy, or major loss.

Suicide statistics reveal that women are roughly 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than men, although men are 2 to 4 times more likely to die by suicide. One of the most important reasons for the difference between attempts and completed suicides between men and women is the method of suicide used. 

Men tend to choose violent, more lethal, suicide methods such as firearms, hanging, and asphyxiation. Whereas women, are more likely to overdose on medications or drugs. 

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This is a WINO Program Note. 

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Additionally, the regularly scheduled Elm Street Bowling League will not be seen Tuesday night, so we may bring you all 4 hours of the Golden Girls Halloween Special.

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We were speaking about the fact that although women are more likely to attempt suicide, men are more likely to die by suicide. This is because women tend to choose poisoning as their preferred method of suicide (28.6%), while men overwhelmingly choose firearms (57.9%) according to the CDC. 

I know that my preferred method was poisoning. I tried so hard to mix drugs and alcohol together… but I got sick to my stomach before it had the desired effect. Some would say that was a good thing, but at the time, it just added to my imagined list of failures.

We’ve discussed the statistics. Now let’s talk about specifics. In particular, the head space you have to be in to want to take your own life. 

Although the roads leading to wanting to die are all different, they all end up in the same place… a total loss of self-worth and identity in the world. 

I know that it was hard for me to maintain my equilibrium when I was constantly being accosted by thoughts that I was no good, nothing I did was right, and I was a burden on my family.

 For those of you who have never experienced this, you must know that the darkest portions of your mind attack you incessantly. It’s a siege, not just a single attack on your self-confidence. 

The negative bombardments are real and devastating; your mind knows your vulnerable spots and attacks those continually. All your self-talk is negative, all your perceptions of yourself are negative, and everything that happens to you is seen negatively… that’s when you begin to look for any avenue of escape.

Usually, this is when self-medicating begins. I know that for me, as the negative self-talk starts to really hit home, I look to dull the pain. And the constant chorus of “You’re no good” is truly painful! Nobody knows how to hurt you, like you can hurt yourself… 

Something I found interesting when looking into suicide statistics, Emile Durkheim a French sociologist, studied suicide and broke it down into four different types; Egoistic, Altruistic, Anomic and Fatalistic suicide. 

Egoistic suicide is when people feel they are social outcasts, or outsiders and have no place in society so they kill themselves.

Altruistic suicide is when you believe your death will benefit others.

Anomic suicide stems from sudden and unexpected upheavals in situations. For example, to suffer a catastrophic financial loss can drive someone to  suicide.

Fatalistic suicide occurs when you feel you’ve had enough oppression, strict rules, or harsh conditions and decide to kill yourself to escape.

I’m not sure that something as complex and personal as suicide can be broken into categories. Durkheim didn’t include mood disorders in his classification, but they are responsible for about two thirds of all suicides according to recent studies. 

No matter how you get there, or what category you fall under, suicide attempts and serious suicidal thoughts can leave emotional scars on the body and the mind.

Again, and I can’t say it enough… if you, or a loved one, are experiencing an emotional crisis, please don’t hesitate to ask for help! Call 9-8-8 or text HOME H-O-M (as in Mary) E to 741741.  Please don’t hesitate to ask for help – It’s not a weakness to need some assistance from others once in a while. The weakness comes in not asking for help when you need it! So, screw up your courage, and make that call or text today. Later, you’ll be glad you did!

Suicide is a very personal act. I wish I could give you more information on the mind frame of someone who is on the verge of suicide, but such a dark place is very private. I can only speak from my own experience, as can anyone who has attempted the deed and been unsuccessful. Those who were successful, aren’t talking.

Although I made several suicide attempts at different times, tonight I’ll speak of my first attempt. It was before I was diagnosed and just entering college. The feelings were so raw and primal; I think that’s one reason why it sticks out in my memory. Another is that I was angry… I don’t remember being enraged during my other attempts, but I was on my first one. 

I had reached the point where everything seemed pointless, and the expectations of others were so very high… I couldn’t keep up! I was so overwhelmed that I saw no future at all for myself. All my hopes and dreams had withered under the constant bombardment of negativity from my inner voice. Relentless, demeaning and devastating the thoughts left me with no anchor. I was adrift in a sea of misery.

 I hid from my friends and family, which wasn’t easy on a campus where your dad was a history professor. As the depression progressed, I tried hard to disappear and melt into the background. I was unsuccessful. I saw this as a major failure on my part. 

I failed at class as well. I just couldn’t go. 

I loved the classes and was always eager for open discussions, but a blanket of despair slowly descended upon me and made it impossible to go to class. I physically couldn’t make myself go! Then, the guilt set in, and that melancholy blanket would wrap itself even tighter around me.

I began drinking and doing drugs as the guilt of not going to class and not living up to expectations became unbearable. I never really indulged in high school, so I blame depression for my bad habits today. 

Anyway, drinking and doing drugs only made it harder to go to class… although, it could numb the pain for a while. But it took more and more to blot out the misery as time passed. Soon, there was no escape from the anguish and hopelessness… no matter how much you drank or smoked. You’re back to feeling everything despite being drunk or stoned.

In fact, 22% of deaths by suicide in the United States involved alcohol intoxication. Opiates, including heroin and prescription pain killers were present in 20% of suicide deaths, Marijuana in 10.2 %, cocaine in 4.6% and amphetamines in 3.4%. Substance abuse and mood disorders are bedfellows.

I planned to use alcohol and pills to take my life that first time. It seemed less… messy. That’s something that I think makes women choose poisoning rather than firearms, the mess! I also think cost is a factor. Pills are cheaper than guns.

So, I went from dorm to dorm, gathering up valium from anyone who was carrying. I’d have bought more, but I was a poor college student. However, I was able to gather together a handful of Valiums. Now, the question was when to take them… 

It was then that I was invited to the party, and of course without hesitation, I accepted immediately. Not that I wanted to go, but there would be plenty of alcohol there! I remember thinking that it would be nice to die where people were having fun. I thought that it might make it easier if I heard music and laughter as I was passing over, so I took all the pills before the party.

I remember feeling freed by the thought that the mess that was my life was coming to an end, and went off to the party happier than I had been in weeks.

I started drinking heavily the moment I entered the room. There were many other “goodies” available that night, and I made sure to consume as many as possible. 

I’m not sure exactly what set me off, but I began to get angry. An anger that colored everything; the Beer Pong game we were playing, the conversations I was having, and even how the beer tasted. Instead of slowing down, my drinking and drug use increased as I became more infuriated. I believe my anger was instigated by the realization that my life was coming to an end… an interesting paradox, eh? Seriously wanting to die, but being mad that you’re going to die… 

Anyway, I don’t remember much after losing Beer Pong, except that I was still thirsty. Shortly thereafter, I began to feel really weird. The top of my head began to tingle and my hands were numb. Then, as a surprise to me, but no one else, I got violently ill. 

A party faux pas for sure! But I couldn’t stop puking. I kept throwing up to the point of alarming my friends. Evidently, they took me to the campus infirmary to see the doctor there. I don’t remember that part… I just remember waking up on a hospital bed with a killer hangover. 

Upon waking, I remember starting to cry. The nurse asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer her… I was so disappointed to find myself still alive. Not only wasn’t I in a better place, but I’d spent all my money on Valium for nothing— I WAS an Utter Failure!

It was at this point that a wise doctor sent me to my first psychotherapist.

I wish I could say that the therapist sent me to a psychiatrist to get me started on medications, but it was the 1980’s and I lived in the rural mountains of Virginia. No one had a clue about bipolar disorder, so I went the next 10 to 12 years undiagnosed. Those were some of the best and hardest years of my life! 

If you feel like you’re on the verge of suicide, or you know someone who is, PLEASE go to the emergency room, or dial 988 for help. Suicide is an Emergency!

I didn’t hear the mailbox so that must mean we didn’t get any mail today. So sad… Please contact me with any questions, comments, or tips you may have at bipolarforlife@myyahoo.com. And if you have a moment, please leave a review of this show.

Again, if you are having significant suicidal thoughts or you have a suicide plan, it’s time to reach out for help. Don’t wait until tomorrow… tomorrow could be too late! Stand up for yourself today, and get the help that’s available 24/7, just call 988 or text HOME (all caps) to 741741. 

You are important and needed! There is no one else like you in the Universe… and the world needs you, or you wouldn’t be here in the first place! 

Make that call or text today.

Well, that’s all the time we have this evening. Thank you so very much for listening. I’m your host, Wendy Foard, inviting you to join me next time when our topic will be… Medication on “Bipolar for Life.” Talk to ya’ then!